Jacob Inu's Blog

A story
Dec. 13,1996
"I think we should stop seeing each other now," Vivian said on the other end of the phone, " I mean, I still love you. In fact, I love you so deeply so I must stop it before hurting any one of us."
Louis' heartbeat was almost stop at the moment when she heard what her girl friend had just said to her. Her face was so pale, and her holding-phone's hand was shaking. Only thing she could said to Vivian was, " I can understand".
" Louis, please, I don't mean to hurt you. Please believe me, I never mean to deceive your love," Vivian continuing ," I love you with all my heart, but I just can not stand that kind of pressure anymore."
Through the phone, Louis can somewhat hear Vivian's sobbing. "If this way can make you feel happy again, I really understand," said by Louis very calmly.
After a quite long conversation, Louis hung up the phone. She sat on her bed and couldn't help the tears shed along her pale-face. Suddenly everything around her seemed to be disappeared, and she fell into her memory.
Louis is her nickname. She named herself when she studied European history in her junior high. She hoped someday she can be a King as King Louis, and create a kingdom full of peace and love. Louis had one old-sister and two old-brothers. Since her sister is 8-year-older than her, she spent all her childhood with her two brothers. She played toy-robot with them, wore their second hand clothing, and she even acted like them. Louis never had any Babie-doll, and she didn't like that anyway. She always though she is a boy. She even like people called her boy instead of girl. She couldn't remember when exactly did she start refusing to wear a skirt. When she was young, she was an outgoing kind of child. Her mother always teasing her that she must be forgotten to bring a banana with her when she was born. Sometimes she would said that would be even better, if Louis is her third-son. Louis even dream of someday maybe when she weak up, she is a real-boy. She still remembers a lot of her elementary classmates told her that if she is a boy, they would like to married her when they grow up.
The first time she aware of homosexual was on her 4th grade. She was admired one of her girl-classmate at the time. One day, she was listening the radio. What the news anchor said was so shocked to her, "There was a new incurable disease named AIDS. This disease was spread by a group of people called homosexual. This kind of person tend to love the same gender......." After hearing this, she was so naive and thought she ganna die. She began to have more clear idea about what is homosexual when she entered a female-only junior high school. While her classmates paid a lot of attentions on boys, she noticed that she was more interesting on her female classmates. From then on, she was pretty sure that she is a lesbian.
She couldn't stop herself to like some of her classmates. She began to lived her life in fear. Imagine dearly loving someone else and having to keep it totally secret, because if she doesn't, she will be punished-- cast out of her home by her family, ostracized by her friends. When she graduated from high school, she decided to go to a normal junior college. Louis hoped by enter a boy-and-girl college, she could change her life back to normal, but she was wrong. The college required all freshman to lived on campus. Therefore, she left her home and moved into a girl only resident hall. For her, it was like a heaven. She, then, 24 hours lived with girls, and had a very good opportunity to met with girls. She was attracted by one of her roommate, and they became very closed to each other.
Her name is Jane. Coincidentally, Jane and Louis lived very close to each other. The following school years, even though they didn't live on campus anymore, they still went to school together. Whenever Jane had a problem, Louis would always there for her. Louis didn't want to ruin their friendship, so she never told Jane how she felt about her. Only thing Louis could do was helping Jane whenever she needed her. In Jane's eyes, Louis is her best friend, and only as a friend. However, Louis knew she liked Jane and she could only admire Jane in her secret mind.
The college life didn't as Louis' expecting; it didn't change her life back to normal at all. In fact, she acted more and more like a guy. She got along very well with her male classmates. She became a very good buddy with her male classmates. They treated her as if they were the same gender. They would come to her for an advice about their girl friends, and discussed about girls together. Sometime they even asked for her help to asking a girl out for a date. She was quite popular in her class. However, no one in her class knew she as a lesbian. Because she didn't tell anyone--not even her best friend Jane--about her very painful secret. Louis afraid that the fact will change her friends' attitude toward her. But, her classmates all knew that Louis seemed treating Jane too well to be a friend.
One day, as usual, Jane came to Louis' home and went to school with Louis. On the way to school, Jane told Louis that maybe they should go to school separately. She did mention that's because of Louis, but Louis knew that the thing she didn't want to happen was finally happened. The only thing Jane mentioned was that sometime kindness could be a pressure for her. From then on, Louis never went to school along with Jane. Sometime they did, but it always accompanied by other friends. She and Jane still were friends, but Jane was getting farther and farther away from Louis. Sometime Louis would hear her friends complained about how Jane shouldn't treat Louis like that, because Louis is such a nice person, and she treated Jane so well. Louis, nevertheless, always told them that's not Jane's fault. Jane always had her right to have a new best friend.
Although Louis never been alone, her mind is always alone. She bore with such a big secret, but she had no person to turn to. She not even told her family about herself, because she knew her parents won't accept the truth. Until the last summer in her college, she met a person that changed her life. Irene was her father's new employee. Louis met Irene when she got a part-time job in her father's company. They work in the same department. Since Irene is one-year-older than Louis, they got along very quickly. For Irene, Louis just like her sister. Even though Irene is older than Louis, she still liked to relied on Louis. Because Louis knew the job and company better than Irene. They had so many things in common. They shared the some interest "Art" , and the same constellation "Leo". They always had so much to talk about in their conversation. Louis began changing her attention from Jane to Irene. One day, Jane went to Louis' company and discussed homework with Louis. When Jane left, Irene seemed a little bit jealous, and said to Louis that if she can choose her own guardian angel, it will be Louis. Louis was confused by that. Was Irene tried to tell her something or it was her illusion? Louis, as an arrow on a tautly bow, was ready to action anytime. When she finally gave it a shot, she realized it was only a false alarm. Louis told Irene everything about herself. Irene told her she could see this coming, but she just kept denied it . As Louis' expecting, Irene didn't accept her . However, Irene encouraged her to facing the truth. She wrote to Louis that people all born with homosexual and heterosexual potential, for Louis, she chose to be homosexual and that's not her fault. That also was the first time Louis heard someone told her that she was "Transsexual". Irene told Louis that she was more Transsexual than Homosexual. Louis also noticed that, because that answered everything; why she always dreaming she would change her gender when she woke up; why she collecting all that Transsexual Surgery clips. She also told Louis sometime things were not as worst as she thought. Maybe the thing you thought would disturbing you the most, could turn out helping you the most. Louis still keeping that in her mind. Although Irene said she didn't discriminate Louis at all, she eventually left the company and went to America for her dream. Still, she left Louis.
Since Irene left Louis, Louis's life was hopeless. She never thought she would ever finding her true love. She still worked in her father's company after graduated from college. She was not as happy as her appearance. Form the day she knew she was a lesbian she had already put on that mask. She always lived in fear. Her life was to awaken every morning, lived every day, and went to sleep at night fearing discovery and rejection by her family, friends, and coworkers. She felt she even didn't know who she really was anymore. In front of her friends and coworkers, she had to pretending to be ignorant about homosexuality and quietly listening to her straight friends display their ignorance while she dare not correct them. She thought perhaps she had to lived her rest of life in that way. Until one day, one girl accidentally came into her life and grabbed her heart away.
Her name is Vivian. They met in a very odd situation. Louis was planning to go to Japan to continuing her education, and maybe gave herself a good reason for a break. Vivian, on the other hand, had just quitted a job and struggled in an unhappy relationship. She tried to found a new beginning. Therefore, she went to an interview for an advertising designer job. She didn't bring her art works as the advertisement required. However, she did bring her confidence and her big-smile with her. When she waited in a reception room, she saw a person, who wore short hair, quite white skin and look like a gentleman, entered the room. That's how she told Louis later on when they had a relationship. That person entered the room was Louis. Louis' first impression about Vivian was that she really looked like someone; someone that she admired before; someone that is Irene. However, she is taller than Irene, yet, they both have the same graceful temperament. The funny thing is, they both graduated form the same college. Two days later, Vivian was accepted by the company. Louis was the head of the department at the time, and that was her job to training the new employee. Almost the same time as Vivian entered the company, Louis got the information from her friend that Irene was back to Taiwan. It had been one year since Irene left. Louis tried to contacted Irene, but Irene had already moved away and changed her phone number. She even begged her friend to asked Irene out for a supper or even a afternoon tea, but Irene refused everything. Louis was really disappointed because she lost contact with the only person in the world who knew her secret. However, whenever she saw Vivian, she would felt better. It's not because she looks somewhat similar to Irene; it's because her big smile and that smiling-eyes. Whenever Louis explained how the company worked or simply talk to her, she would saw Vivian's smiling-eyes looking at her. Even though they had just met each other, it seemed to them that they had already known each other forever. By spending almost all the time together, they figured out they are just like an identical twin. They born in the same year, the same month, the same constellation, and even the same blood type. Louis only 4-day-older than Vivian. The more Louis spent time with Vivian the more she liked her. Notwithstanding, Louis hesitated to told Vivian how she felt about her. She afraid if she told Vivian, she will also left her as Irene did. She tried very hard to only be a friend with Vivian, because she didn't want to ruined another person's life. She knew how painful to be a lesbian, and she would like to undergo the pain by herself. At first, they just as other friend went to a movie. When the movie went to the end and the light went on, Louis felt someone was holding her hand. That was Vivian. She never touched or held other girls' hand since she knew she's a lesbian. Even though she admired some girls before, she worships them as if they were angels, and she never dared to touch them. That was the first time someone had holding her hand like that. She tried to convinced herself maybe that was the way Vivian treating her friends, and she tried to calm herself down, too. From that day on, whenever they went out, Vivian would always holding Louis' hand.
Although they seeing each other everyday, they still writing and calling each other almost everyday. Most of the time Louis was trying to convinced Vivian don't treat her too well, or, someday she will regret from what she had done. Vivian, on the other hand, was always telling Louis don't worry about it. She won't regret for what she did to her best friend. The first month, they were too good to be friends. Vivian always told Louis they seemed to know each other for a long time. One month later, it was Louis' birthday. When she entered the office, she saw something on her desk. That's the birthday presents from Vivian. It's a jade-lion-seal and couple of CDs. Vivian said the jade-lion-seal had special meaning. Because both of them are "Leo", and the seal was coming in a pair. That's Vivian's Christmas present. Her friend told Vivian keep one and sent the other one to her future husband. She said she didn't even know where was that person yet, but she knew that's not easy to have a friend as Louis. Therefore, she would like Louis to have the other half. This present reinforced Louis's desire to be with Vivian. Four days later, Louis asked Vivian out for a lunch and gave Vivian her birthday present. After the lunch, they went to a lake-park. As usual, they held each other's hand and walked around the lake. They found a place to sat, and Louis was bravely ready to facing the truth. She handed a piece of her old diary to Vivian. That was a diary about her very secret and how she using her life as a bet to begging a true love from the god. She said she would die happily if she had a chance to fall in love with her beloved, even for one year or one day. Louis' mind was really complicated while Vivian reading the diary. She didn't know next minute would Vivian accept her love, or as Irene, she'll just left her. She broke the ice and said to Vivian she would understand if she rejected her. On the contrary, Vivian said she didn't say that and nodded her head.
"Am I dreaming?", Louis asked Vivian.
" No, you are not. It's for real" Vivian replied.
Louis picked up a ring she prepared in her pocket and put on Vivian's finger. Vivian blamed Louis that if she loved her, why she still wanted to go to Japan. Louis said that's because she was not sure whether Vivian would accept her or not. However, she knew she won't go then, unless Vivian went with her. Vivian said to Louis that Love is a responsibility to each other, if they decided to love each other, then, they had the responsibility for each other; not one of them but both of them. They both knew their future would be very rugged and difficult, but at least they knew they had each other.
Louis finally fell in love. Suddenly her future was so bright. She was very sure what's her goal. That was to be with Vivian, take care of her, built their own family, and love her forever. Their love was so strong, and they though nothing would break them apart. However, they forgot they had a very huge enemy in front of them, that is "reality". They can't like other couple showing their love anytime, instead, they must hide their love behind them. Whenever they went out, they should beware of others? Any minute, they felt insecure and feared someone would discovery their secret. They tried to found wherever place that only belonged to them, but that was so hard to found. That's why they decided went to America together. That way they not only could continuing their education, but also staying together. Once they made up their mind, they tried to saved and earned more money to fulfill their dream.
Before their dream come true, they still need to face all problems surround them. In order to be together, they should lie to their Family. Not one time or two times, but always. They knew they shouldn't lie to them, but they had no choice. Unlike other couple, they can never share that wonderful feeling of being "in love" with their family and most of friends. One time, that was Louis' sister's engagement day, her parents were so happy about how all their children had found their love, except Louis. Louis really wanted to told her parents that she did find her love. In fact, she was just in front of them. However, she can't. During the engagement ceremony, Louis always remembers what her father said to her brother-in-law. Her father was too excited, he said, "I am here to give my only daughter's hand to you." Her mother corrected him that they have two daughters. It seemed to Louis that she had staying no place in her father's mind. She is neither a son nor a daughter in her father's mind.
That night, Louis received a call from Vivian. She wanted to saw Louis immediately. As usual, she lied to her parents and picked Vivian up in front of a convenience store which is one-block away from Vivian's home. They usually met there because Vivian didn't want her neighbors saw Louis. Then, they went to their secret garden. After making sure no one was there, Vivian leaned on Louis and started crying. Louis hugged Vivian in her arms and asked what made her so sad. She told Louis that she must leaving the company because her mother wanted her to managing her mother's cafe. She can't reject her mother and she didn't want to left the company either. They knew that meant they can't see each other so often. Louis hugged Vivian tighter and told her that might be a test for their love, but they would overcome it together. On the other hand, Louis blamed herself for not being a man to take care of her beloved's problem. The more she loved Vivian the more she blamed herself. Louis always thought if she was a man, then thing will be difference. They could share their loving feeling to their friends, have their parents' support, and most of all, their love will not be so toilsome. Since she is not a man, they still need to face all those challenges from the so-call " reality".
After Vivian left the company, Louis felt that they were getting farther from their dream. Vivian always complained about how her mother spending little money to saving a huge amount, because she must paid all attention on her mother's business and had no chance to go to America. She encouraged Louis went to America by herself. At first Louis refused it. However, day after day, Louis felt powerless on her job. On one hand, she had paying so much attention on the job but had learning and receiving less. On the other hand, she knew if she waiting for Vivian to come with her, it would be at least taken one or two more years, and she couldn't wait anymore. Therefore, Louis decided to go to America first, and waiting for Vivian in America.
Although Vivian encouraged Louis to go for her dream, she still somewhat reluctant to accept that Louis' leaving. She told Louis she was so sad about her leaving, but she would get over it. Louis knew that Vivian was trying to acted happily in front of her, because she didn't want Louis change her mind because of her, and Louis was right. Vivian felt so sad about Louis' leaving. She really want to talk to someone about her sorrow. Nevertheless, she can't. She can only keep that sorrow inside her. The departure day for Louis were more and more close, and she had more and more desire to see and be with Vivian. However, the more she wanted the less she got. They had a totally different schedule. Louis's daytime was Vivian's night time, because Vivian needs to worked at the night shift. They have only few months left; nonetheless, they had fewer times to be together. The only time they had usually was an odd time. Those months they had been caught very often by their friends when they were dating. They did their best to avoided that happen, they even wore scarf to cover their face to prevent been recognized. Vivian even asked Louis to wore her hair longer, that way Louis won't seeded that obvious as a lesbian. However, the less- time and been-caught caused them felt more insecure and uneasiness. They both lived in the stress, and that cause them to argue very often. They both had very strong desire to be with each other; however, things just didn't as their expectancy. It's only 30 days before Louis went to America, Louis, on the contrary, didn't saw Vivian very often. They always had some arguments when they saw each other. Louis didn't want to keep a bad impression in Vivian's mind before she left. Therefore, she tried to not bothering Vivian. Louis would go to Vivian's cafe, but not entered it. She only stayed across the street, and watching her beloved busily working in the cafe. She had this feeling that it's time for Vivian to say good-bye to her. Although she knew it would be ending this way when the moment they fell in love, Louis just hoped there would be a miracle happen in their story. But, god doesn't bless the homosexual. Still, Louis needs to concede for her destiny.
Finally, Louis got Vivian's phone call.
" My friends asked me what kind of relationship between you and me, and I lied to them. I said nothing. But, they told me I am not that kind of person, and they ask me to leave you." Vivian said.
"So, what did you said?" Louis asked Vivian.
"I think we should stop seeing each other now," Vivian said on the other end of the phone, " I mean, I still love you. In fact, I love you so deeply so I must stop it before hurting any one of us."
Louis' heartbeat was almost stop at the moment when she heard what her girl friend had just said to her. Her face was so pale, and her holding-phone's hand was shaking. Only thing she could said to Vivian was, " I can understand".
" Louis, please, I don't mean to hurt you. Please believe me, I never mean to deceive your love," Vivian continuing ," I love you with all my heart, but I just can not stand that kind of pressure anymore."
Through the phone, Louis can somewhat hear Vivian's sobbing. "If this way can make you feel happy again, I really understand," said by Louis very calmly.
" But, we still are best friend, aren't we?" Vivian asked Louis.
" Yes, best friend." Louis tried to keep her tears in her eyes and not to cried.
"I can't believe I had just said such cruel thing to you. I can't even believe what had I just done. I think I won't dare to think about it now. Perhaps, until you go to America, I would dare to thinking how cruel I just did to you.", said by Vivian.
"I hope you will find a man who really loves you and gives you what I can never give you." Louis said.
Louis had tried to save their relationship once, but this time, she knew it's over. She can never give Vivian a secure love as she needs. No matter how hard Louis tries, Louis knows Vivian won't belong to her, if she doesn't belong to Louis all along.
Although Louis was so anguished, she pretended be happy in front of anyone. No one had seen her cry, but she did cry. She cried when she took show; she cried when she lay on her bed. However, she never cried aloud, and she even covered a pillow over her head when she cried. She never talks about it, and no one even knows about it. She felt so alone and hated herself can't change anything in her life. The only person in the world knows her pain is Vivian. She told Louis now she knew that sometime people appear happily because they don't want people to see the sorrow deeply in their heart. She is right, and I can feel it, too. Because, I am Louis.
I never using this name since Vivian broke up with me. I never hate Vivian because she dumped me, and I never hate anyone. The only person I hate is myself. I don't hate people don't accept me as who I am, but I hate myself can't changing anything. There's only one thing in my life, I am glad I can't change it. That's my sexuality. As a Harvard University statistician David Wypij said, " You may be more heterosexual, you may be more homosexual." I am more homosexual, and I accept that. I can't change it and I don't want to change it. Vivian and I have broken up for almost 3 years. Still, we are the best friends. She had finally found someone she loves last year, and I wish they have a good ending. To be frankly, I still love her so deeply, but only thing I can do, now, is to wish her happiness. For me, nothing is better than knowing she is happy and having takes a good care by someone she loves. I can only, and always, be a guardian angel for Vivian; be there whenever she needs a shoulder to cry on; be there wherever she needs me; be there admire her in my secret mind. For me, having a person to love me once a life time is enough. I am, now, a dead man walking. I have hiding my feeling behind me since she left me. Because I don't want to hurt anyone-- and I don't mean to--anymore. I am only a mortal. I, too, have my feeling. But the reality not allows me to have my feeling. As a line of poetry from an 18 year old gay male, "I am deaf to my own issues, deaf to my peers." All my friends now don't know who I really am, and I hope to keep it that way. I don't expecting them to accept me as who I am. All I want is just to live in my own private land, a kingdom full of peace and love, a place without judgment and discrimination. Since the day I knew I am a lesbian, I knew I would be alone. However, I still have a best friend Vivian--my immortal beloved--and that's enough. But I don't mind if there were more accompanies join my kingdom. I believe love will find a way, and I want to bless all of you would find your true love, and hope someday, I can find mine, too.


PS. This is an academic paper I wrote at the end of 1996. It's a true story. In order to protecting the characters in the story, I did some necessary change of their names. However, I did used to use Louis as my nickname. But, it’s gone with the affair between me and my ex-girl-friend. I am Jacob, now. And I am a pretender.

. "Many Have Gay Stirring," David Wypij. http://www.webcom.com/`kris/attract.html. Nov. 22,1996 ."Gay Youth Poem," URL http://www.tcp.com:8000/qrd/youth/lgbt.youth.poem Nov. 22,1996